


he who is near the church is often far from god

by Ingi



Series: Tales of the Rule of Three [1]
Category: Deadpool - All Media Types, Spider-Man - All Media Types, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Deadpool being Deadpool, Fluff, Forgive me Father Wilson for I have sinned, Gen, Improper Use of Catholic Rituals, Minor Peter Parker/Wade Wilson, Peter Parker Is So Done, Poor Peter Parker, Tony Being Tony
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-29
Updated: 2017-05-29
Packaged: 2018-11-06 14:52:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11038452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ingi/pseuds/Ingi
Summary: Deadpool setting foot on a church can only lead to disaster."Bizarre is too small of a word," Peter said, after a second. And he added, mortified despite himself, "The sentenceForgive me, Father Wilson, for I have sinnedmight have been uttered."





	he who is near the church is often far from god

**Author's Note:**

  * For [CheyanneChika](https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheyanneChika/gifts).



> In my mind, this is sort of an unnoficial, spiritual sequel to CheyanneChika's "Forced Confessions" (which you should absolutely read, btw, because it's hilarious).  
> Also, this makes absolutely no sense and I know next to nothing about the characterization of Peter, Deadpool, or Tony. Please take all complains to CheyanneChika, who is totally at fault.

"So let me get this straight-" Tony said, while still fiddling on the insides of some machine or another. "Our friend in red spandex has found his true calling?"

"Is that really all you've gotten from this?" Peter replied, exhasperated.

It had been a long afternoon.

Wade had been gone for almost two weeks, refusing to tell Peter just where the heck he was going and why, although Peter wasn't entirely certain he wanted to know either. And it wasn't that he couldn't survive without Wade; he'd done so for most of his life, after all! But he was still badly bruised from their last fight, and they were out of coffee, and everyone on that goddamned tower was worse than than any supervillain could be when they didn't have their morning fix, so Peter was, in short, very _tired_. And then, when he'd gone to look for Tony in his lab to hang out, take a peek of the inventions he'd been absorbed in lately, and possibly, just possibly, complain a little...

Peter had found himself telling Tony more than he'd meant to. And then he'd had to spend at least fifteen minutes reminding Tony of who Deadpool even _was_ ( _The guy with the giant katanas, Tony? Ring a bell? He whistles the overture of One Tin Soldier every time you enter a room!_ ), and he wouldn't be able to tell if Tony had been too focused on his work to pay attention to him, if he'd been messing with him, or if he had sincerely managed to forget Wade somehow, but the latter wasn't likely. Wade always left an impression.

In fact, he left so much of an impression that some old grandmas they'd rescued months ago still began walking faster and crossing themselves if they ever passed by him, and Peter was almost certain they had an advanced case of Alzheimer.

"No offense, but-" Tony seemed to think it through and shrugged. "Nevermind. Full offense, but I don't see why I should care about Wilson's sudden religious call." And yet he immediately contradicted himself by asking, "How did that happen anyway?"

"Uh... There was... a church involved." Peter sighed. "I'd rather not talk about it."

"A church!" Tony grinned. "How bizarre."

"It's Wade," Peter reminded him. "Trust me, it _was_ bizarre."

"Good point." Tony scowled at the mess in front of him and looked at Peter briefly. "Hold that cable there for a sec. The purple one."

Peter regarded it with inevitable distrust, but pressed the cable down with a finger anyway.

"Bizarre is too small of a word," Peter said, after a second. And he added, mortified despite himself, "The sentence _Forgive me, Father Wilson, for I have sinned_ might have been uttered."

Tony laughed so hard that JARVIS actually piped in to make sure he wasn't dying.

"Yeah, thanks for that insight into your sex life, buddy."

Peter wisely decided to ignore that.

"Tony, he's bought a _clerical collar_ ," he hissed. "And a _shirt_. He said they were signs of his priestly consecration to the Lord, and then rattled off another twenty-two reasons of why me trying to talk him out of wearing them was an insult to God, the Holy Church, and his holy katanas, personally kissed and blessed by the pontiff himself."

Tony was still snickering, but he stopped for long enough to ask, "Our friendly killer neighbour Wilson, wearing actual clothes? Kid, you'd better have taken a picture or you'll be in live-target duty for Clint until you're eighty."

"Don't worry," Peter replied, tiredly. "Wade took about a hundred selfies."

Tony immediately dropped everything in his hands to fish his phone from his pocket. Peter rolled his eyes and waited until he'd opened his Instagram and was scrolling through Wade's most recent photos.

"Shit, I have to tag Natasha in this," Tony exclaimed, grinning. "Have you _seen_ this? He's posing with a Bible on one hand and a Margarita on the other! I didn't even know he had a Bible! Or any tequila left," he added, scowling. "The bastard promised he didn't!"

"I'm pretty sure it's his fake Bible," Peter said, rubbing his temples. "You know, the one where he stores his emergency flask of Whiskey and a bacon-flavored condom."

Tony looked up at him and wraggled his eyebrows.

" _Don't_ ," Peter warned him, already blushing, and Tony beamed.

"Who? _Me_? I'm not saying a word, kid," he said cheerily. "Do you hear me saying anything? No, right? Because I'm not. I'm _not_. But I so _could_."

"You know what, I think I'm going to go buy coffee," Peter sighed. "At least fifty pounds."

"Oh, and don't forget the apple pie, Parker!" Tony called after him, unfaced, as Peter turned to leave the lab. "Steve needs his fix of embarrasingly-American food!"

"Okay!"

"Oh, and Peter?"

Peter closed his eyes very tightly, allowed himself to a moment to regret what he was about to do beforehand, and turned back to face Tony, who was wearing the kind of smile that you don't want to have directed at you.

"Yes, sir."

"Remember to tell Wilson to get a priest certificate. If he gets ordained online before the end of the week, he can minister over your own ceremony." Tony wriggled his eyebrows again. "I'll tell Pepper to plan a May wedding."

Peter didn't buy any coffee, in the end. He was too busy researching if one could actually officiate his own wedding.


End file.
